Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
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I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.