Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
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to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
He just like my cat fr
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here