Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
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Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Bike for sale
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
October already? What’s next? November????
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”