Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
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[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.