Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
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Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
That’s incredible! 👌
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
It’s a gift
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.