Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
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If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.