Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
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90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.