I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
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An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
buys donuts instead
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?