Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
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My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.