Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
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Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?