Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
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The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
he’s doing your taxes
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.