@SoulYodeler: Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
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@TheTweetOfGod: NEW YEAR'S LOGIC 1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun. 2. Time to lay off chocolate.
@juliussharpe: People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.
@LuvPug: I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can't tweet it again because it's already been stolen