@SoulYodeler: Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
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@dubstep4dads: Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral Friend: what? that's not a giraffe Me: sorry I'm on drugs at your grandmas funeral
@tastefactory: Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back. Satan: WHAT
@neiltyson: Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.