*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
me when the borders lift
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*