Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
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“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan