haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
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Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
any last words?
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt