[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
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Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid