haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
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The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
U talkin 2 me?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best: