haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
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Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
goldfish mafia
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine