Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
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What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Terribly Tuesday.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy