Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
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dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.