why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
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When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Camping tip: No.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord