When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
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I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?