Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
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She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong