Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
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The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim鈥檚 house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
So glad that Halloween isn鈥檛 on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I鈥檝e endured at potlucks, how鈥檚 your Monday going
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 馃槶馃槶馃槶
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it鈥檚 come to this
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i鈥檒l treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you