[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
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Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.