I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
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Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
My kitchen overserved me.
spicy snake
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash