Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
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[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
ok this is my dumbest yet
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
found this cool rock hiking today
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.