Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
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[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*