Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
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Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
my dad has had enough
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems