I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
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8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her