Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
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You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Mood.. 😂
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down