Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
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I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow