[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
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ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
based al yankovic
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Simple
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself