[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
You Might Also Like
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.