Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
You Might Also Like
is this how new cars are made??
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me