Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
You Might Also Like
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Noah
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.