Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
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Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life