[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
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I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper