Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
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The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
next question.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.