Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
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I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No