GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
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In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…