HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
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Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
[eulogy]
line?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.