Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
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My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.