“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
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playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
A fake ID that makes you younger
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.