Good advice.
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watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
reminder
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)