Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
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7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Become ungovernable.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.