[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
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– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Yes my dude
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
This sounds bad:
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.