*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
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the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀