Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
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Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.