*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
You Might Also Like
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Basketball games are very squeaky.