@LoveNLunchmeat: I'm not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

@usermcuserface: Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.

@Book_Krazy: Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

@Skullcat: My corduroy pillow has been making headlines all week.

@CalebTenenbaum: If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I'm on to something...